Hurt people hurt people. I am the product of an emotionally distant mother. My own mother was told that she was unwanted--Baby #7 born in 1929. My parents did not have a good marriage. Neither did I. My mother had a different world view than most of her relatives, hence we were kept isolated from cousins and aunts and uncles because their values were not perceived to be the same as hers. My parents stayed together. I did not.
It took me years to learn that no man was better than a bad man. My church at the time emphatically insisted that the fault in the marriage was mostly mine and that I should comply with the rules against divorce and stay with my abuser. So I did, far longer than he deserved. When I did divorce, I became more vulnerable and attractive to men who were nothing more than parasites. Finally I became less willing to settle for misery and to break away from those toxic relationships and ways of thinking.
My siblings and I were victimized by organized religion. We were bullied in school and no one, not even parents stepped in to help us. It was like being a living martyr. After a time into adulthood when I was not compelled to attend church, I had to start all over again with what I knew to be true.
Today, I would refrain from labeling myself religious. Basically, I have dismissed most of organized religion and embrace spirituality rather than religiosity. I know what it means to have faith, to be forgiven, to experience healing, and the daily presence of God in my life. My relationship is not open to debate or criticism from others, it is my own business. I do not feel the need to proselytize or impose my own views on anyone.
My own children were launched into successful productive adulthood much sooner than I was. My parents' religion set me back several decades worth of doubt and low self esteem. Who can honestly say they had an ideal childhood? Who does not have some issues with one parent or both?
Who can say that because I am not the child of divorce that I am well-adjusted and at peace with my disfunctional past? The truth is, it's complicated. Hatred and holding a grudge are useless emotions. It has taken me decades to forgive myself for my trespasses.
It took me years to learn that no man was better than a bad man. My church at the time emphatically insisted that the fault in the marriage was mostly mine and that I should comply with the rules against divorce and stay with my abuser. So I did, far longer than he deserved. When I did divorce, I became more vulnerable and attractive to men who were nothing more than parasites. Finally I became less willing to settle for misery and to break away from those toxic relationships and ways of thinking.
My siblings and I were victimized by organized religion. We were bullied in school and no one, not even parents stepped in to help us. It was like being a living martyr. After a time into adulthood when I was not compelled to attend church, I had to start all over again with what I knew to be true.
Today, I would refrain from labeling myself religious. Basically, I have dismissed most of organized religion and embrace spirituality rather than religiosity. I know what it means to have faith, to be forgiven, to experience healing, and the daily presence of God in my life. My relationship is not open to debate or criticism from others, it is my own business. I do not feel the need to proselytize or impose my own views on anyone.
My own children were launched into successful productive adulthood much sooner than I was. My parents' religion set me back several decades worth of doubt and low self esteem. Who can honestly say they had an ideal childhood? Who does not have some issues with one parent or both?
Who can say that because I am not the child of divorce that I am well-adjusted and at peace with my disfunctional past? The truth is, it's complicated. Hatred and holding a grudge are useless emotions. It has taken me decades to forgive myself for my trespasses.
No comments:
Post a Comment